I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm like, not good at living.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
