Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
