just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
