Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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