The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize