my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
