I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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