i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
