My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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