is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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