there's paper in my vomit.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
