Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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