I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
