I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
