I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I will be naked everywhere
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
