It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
