I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
porn star boner night. come get it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
