i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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