it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
and you said cock pushups were impossible
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Houston, we have a blender
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize