my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
