I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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