Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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