I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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