I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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