I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
