Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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