Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
