you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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