I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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