Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
