You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
