And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize