Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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