he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
