Screwed.edu
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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