woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
