I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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