I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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