So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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