You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
