he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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