dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
