my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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