At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
