Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
