So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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