You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
