remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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