So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
