then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
