He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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