she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
