If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
