Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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