i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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