i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
