It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize