Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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