This girl is more easily done than said...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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