There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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