his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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