woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My balls are so social today.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
